A mere beginning!

It’s so long since I have updated my blog; months to be specific. Well, as the name suggests this blog comprises of every single thing which runs through my mind and which affects me in some or the other way. Last few months have been an important patch of my life when all the unexpected events took place and left me much more practical about life and its aspects. I have learned; I have lost; I have gained; yes, it has been quite a mixture of Scattered Feelings for me.

The biggest irony of life is when everything is going so on track god adds up some more spice and makes your life much more interesting and so was expected since it was the time when everything was at its peak; career was taking its turn and I had to do what I have not done so far i.e “Studying”. I started getting busier in life with focusing on my coaching classes and college altogether, evidently both of them have struck me hard. I would feel lucky whenever I get some extra time to breath; daily college and coaching schedule and all the other important things would eat up my time. I couldn't give any time to the people in my life and all those who demanded my attention; I was not getting any time to write either; which is the only way thoughts come out of my mind. And at the same time things began falling out of place, misunderstandings aroused; may be insecurity it was, my life started getting disconnected from people or things were letting me go far from them and my worst nightmare came true when I lost so many people who were once a part of my life. There was no sudden overnight change; things went wrong gradually, one by one. I always considered it my mistake that it was me who got busier but with time I realized that It was me who thinks too much about things when they don’t even bother other people; It was all just like another day of their life. No matter what I do, things don’t even budge off their mind. Its amazing how practical people are; things don’t even matter to them as much as they matter to you, Its so involuntary on their part. I am not saying that being practical is not a good thing but my point is being way too practical and using people is a bit weird (atleast for me).

Well, these all are lessons in life and are necessary to teach you certain things and to make you strong enough to handle things on your own. Such lessons and constant support from some really caring ones in life indeed made me strong. Now for all the people out there, I would just say hurt me and I’ll show you who I am. Yes, I am strong now and definitely not here to entertain you. I can take my decisions, I can do things on my own and I will achieve whatever I am determined for. 

With time you realize that this shit doesn’t matter much in your life; what matters is those amazing people around you; the true ones, who could do anything just for you and “Family” should be considered on top of this list cause they are the only people who would trust you blindly and could do everything they are capable of just to support you. Today, I am more sure about myself; I know who is the true one and on whom I should trust and I am happy with them only. I have set some high aims for myself and I’ll achieve them one day. I have my family who will be there forever and after them I have those countable people in my life for whom I can do anything; the true ones. Career; Family; Friends and My Khushii that’s all, This is my priority list and I need no more.

You should try to be happy with whatever you have in life, don’t worry about what you have lost or what you don’t have. And about people, they might have left you for something much more divine; It is a natural process and we should be strong enough to accept it. :)

Humanity at Dusk

It’s not even an year to “Delhi Gang Rape Case” and another such barbaric activity took place in our so called “Dream City - Mumbai”. It is not the matter of pity over such increasing cases day by day but it is a matter of great shame for us. Both the incidents came as a shock to me and to every other active citizen of this country too. My conscience felt trembled when I read about the inhumane treatment they gave to the girl. Even the thoughts of her condition scare the hell out of me. I have to see the most pathetic condition of our country when every day I open newspaper and I have to read the same news here or there. 

What has happened to our law and judicial power?

Why we cannot expect justice from anywhere?

Why are those demons still roaming outside?

When I look for answers to such questions, I feel disappointed because nobody has any answer other than the lame consolation that “We’ll take some strict actions!”
But what should we do when we see no sign of any action!

Moreover when the parents were asked about the felony, rather than regretting what has happened they are defending such evil minds by saying “Our child is innocent, he is an intelligent student and he is not even an adult, how can he indulge in such a crime. And even If he did so, there might be some fault of the girl” 

Respected people, If your son was so much innocent then what was he doing with four other criminals in an abandoned mill or What was he doing in an empty city bus roaming illegally in the city at midnight. 

Do you have any answer for that?

He might not be preparing for any competitive examination there!

What could we expect from such people after these lame excuses?

And why a girl is always considered at fault. 

What was her fault, that she was a girl? 

That she was doing her job? 

Or 

She was happy in her life?

 Picture Courtesy :
 http://static.ibnlive.in.com/ibnlive/pix/sitepix/09_2012/crime-women630.jpg

I salute the tremendous courage of that victim who is fighting for such monstrous activity and says “I want no other woman in this country to go through such brutal physical humiliation. The perpetrators should be punished severely as they have ruined my life. No punishment short of a life term will take away my pain, the humiliation and the physical abuse I underwent.”  

Even the doctors have praised her for her exemplary courage in dealing with the trauma she went through.

It’s not about one woman today. We also have Sisters, Friends and other women in our lives. 

After witnessing such scornful events even I don’t consider this society a safer place for any girl related to me. Today, being a brother or a friend even I feel afraid when my sister or any friend goes anywhere alone just because of those demons roaming outside and hunting for their next target.

What If such thing has happened to them? 

What If we were on the place of such victims?

Protesting and Crying won’t work here. What we need is to develop that respect in our heart. Respect for women, respect for every other girl around us and raising our voice against every such horrendous activity. There still are people who consider them a material to play, an Item of their fun. People who want to suppress them. There also are people who don’t want girls to cross their home’s boundary. How could I trust a society where females are being suppressed and exploited each and every day.

Why can’t we see a girl doing good in her life?

This all will have to change; we have to change our mindset. And being the youth and a responsible citizen of this country we need to aware people for this too.

Now we can’t just sit putting hand on hand.

                                       Picture Courtesy :
 http://www.blogcdn.com/www.coolage.in/media/2012/07/untitled1-1343477784.jpg

Hopeless!

My days aren’t very bright. This is not the way I expected my life to go, I expected better way of it. Everything is turning out to be a disaster. I am losing faith; hopes faded; thoughts lay scattered; Life is going off track; I woke up in an awful mood today. I lose my confidence. I struggle for happiness. It seems like everything is on a mission to make me realize that I am not capable of anything worthwhile. I can see people there doing wonders in their lives and what I do is standing here all alone and seeing them moving ahead. I wonder at times, Am I not meant for anything worthwhile?

All that I have today – the people, the identity, the kind of life, it is completely different from what I expected. I never intended to get into this mess but I couldn't help it. I am facing the worst phase of my life. All I can see is darkness everywhere, silence around me. I don’t want to get out of my room. And this darkness takes me to a new world free from all these miseries, all this tension; but I am too coward to go there.

Picture Courtesy : http://s3.favim.com/orig/47/black-and-white-hopeless-nature-text-window-Favim.com-437184.jpg

My attitude towards life has changed drastically. I have started to frown. I am afraid of losing things. I fear to do anything on my own. There are certain truths of life I am worried about. Truths, I try to ignore and stay in a comfortable superficial layer. I don’t want life to snatch the little I have today. I love to live in my own virtual world because it is the only place where things go as my way. I lost my identity somewhere in this rushing world. I am being psychic; I don’t even know what i want to do. I don’t have the courage to fight with all this. Once I tried to avoid this changing phase; I tried to refuse it as a bad dream but I failed. Life gave me reasons to smile but now there are none. I don’t want to face people as more people I meet, more question they ask and I don’t want to answer anyone. Some days I feel broken and when I look around me, I find no-one to console me; to support me in my days. People are busy in their own lives and why would they come to me when they have their own priorities. There are people whom I might have hurt but i never intended to do so. I regret for things I have done and lost something more precious than anything else and I know that now I can do nothing but just sit and think about those things. I wonder why I did the things I shouldn’t have done.

They say there comes a ray of hope in everyone’s life which let you towards light. I need that ray of hope in my life too. I decided to save myself from this trauma. Now I can’t take it anymore. I want to go ahead; I want to move like others. They say it’ll take time and one day I’ll get what i deserve. They say time has the power to change everything back to normal again. I wish the same. I hope that day to come soon. I want to relive my old life again. The best I could do now is to struggle through it and help myself to raise from here; to live my life again and to prove myself.

I am no pessimistic. This is a bad phase of life and I will get over it soon.

“The worst nightmare is to wake up in a world where life isn’t mine”

Yaadein!

There were days in my life when everything was so smooth and fine that I couldn’t imagine any better way of it. Everything was just perfect and so was I. There was no pressure from any side; neither any higher expectation nor any definite aim. I was enjoying life at its fullest. I was so much involved in it that i wanted it to go that only way. I had friends; some good and some special ones.  So special that i was ready to do anything just for the sake of their happiness. 

Besides destiny has planned some other things for me! :/
Gradually time passed, circumstances changed. Apparently I changed; so does people. I am a totally different person now. Priorities overcame my happiness. I have so many things to do now. I have ambition, parental expectation and some dreams of myself too. There is peer pressure to attain the highest level in different fields. So many other plans. No time for those old feelings; No time for my life even. I have lost my life completely. And meanwhile lost myself too. Thing were perfect back then.  I don’t have those old people in my life anymore. I am surrounded by such mean and selfish people who just want to use me as a stair to climb upon my head. The old me is not at all alive.
I tried to refuse these changing phases, but I just couldn’t. I had to accept that “Things can’t remain the same always.”
Hoping that one day these feelings would naturally disperse!

Some lines dedicated to that old life which i never gonna live again. 

Ye chadani raat jaane kya batlati hai,

Kuch batein yaad dilati hai.

Wo beete hue din,

Wo guzre hue pal,

Wo suhani ratein fir yaad aati hai,

Kuch batein yaad dilati hai.

Wo saath guzara hua har ek lamha,

Fir saamne aa jata hai.

Tumhare sparsh ka ehsas; 

Ye  mand hawa mujhe choo kar karati hai.
Ye chandni raat jaane kya batlati hai,
Kuch batein yaad dilati hai.
Tumhari surmai muskurahat pe chahakte panchi,
Wo bemani batein aur suhane sapne,
Sab fir yaad aate hai.

Kuch batein yaad dilati hai.

Wo bheegti palkein fir yaad aati hai,

Wo masoom ratein,
Wo uljhi batein,
Wo chahakti sham,
Fir yaad aa jaati hai,
Kuch batein yaad dilati hai.

Uljha kar mujhe aaj bhi,
Wahi kuch batein rakh jati hai.

Jinhe bhool jana chahta hu ab,

Ab to wo batein hi naa rahi.

Aur naa rahi wo mulakatein.

Ye chandni raat jane kya batlati hai

Kuch batein yaad dilati hai!!

Seized Moment

 I am so much excited today. This supreme excitement is killing me now. I never felt the way I am feeling. This is the severe happiness I needed in my hopelessly disturbed life. All I can see is this love everywhere. Winds changing their way, birds chirping, weather changing; Love Love everywhere. Life on its right track. This is the day I was so eagerly waiting for. This is the way I wanted my life to go. Yes, I am turning crazy. She is coming, today. Perhaps this is not the first time we are meeting but this day is special. Special; in its own way. I have this urge to meet her and I will tell her everything. Right from the beginning of this thing to what I am today. My day of confrontation with my feelings. Despite of what she feels; I will pour my whole world in front of her. I love her; more than anything in this entire universe. I can’t go a day without talking to her. She occupies such a prominent place in my life. Whenever something great happens, I can’t wait to tell her. In my little world she is all I have on the name of love and life. In the moments of disappointments, she is the person I look up for hope. Ever since I first met her, she defines my life. No matter how worse situation may get, I promise to be with her through thick and thin.

This is the millionth time I have checked myself. I want everything to be perfect. I reached my destination earlier than time. Now I am here waiting for the moment tirelessly. I don’t  want to commit any mistake at this level. Even though I am a hell lot nervous at the moment. Somehow I gathered the courage to pretend normal. Repeating the things I want to tell her. Apparently, lot of thoughts roaming in my mind. Some thoughts let me towards the worse possibilities of this meeting but I don’t care. I cannot prevent those baseless thoughts from crowding my mind. I don’t give a damn to these thoughts. All I have to do is to make my day wonderful; perhaps the most memorable day of my life.

And here she comes. Whole atmosphere gladden with her arrival. She looks ravishing in her pinkish white dress. I fell in love all over again. She looks more charming than she ever does. More lovely; cuter; Simply adorable. She was glowing like a fairy of that wonderland. I want to tell her everything at this very moment but I just couldn’t. She looks like princess; resembles my dream girl; my soul-mate. She starts walking towards me with her steady steps. Approaching me with something in her hand. That charm in her eyes is the conviction that she feels for me. I feel so fortunate to have her. God knows what is gonna happen today. I am a hell lot nervous. The adrenaline rush, the accelerated heartbeat, the senseless blushing. Dumbstruck staring her. I am totally numb. I want to capture this moment in my memories. I just can’t believe, is this all real? I feel frozen. I am gonna die very soon.  She is just a few steps away. Please save me almighty.

What is this sudden screeching sound. Aaah my ear is paining. And where the hell does this water came from. Its mom here; she woke me up. She brings me back to the reality and dream ended. Everything changed eventually. Hope faded, Moment seized. I am in the reality again. My old normal life. Another wish left unfulfilled. Unlucky me. :(

You are Special

My special person was always pictured

as the one who stands for me when no-one else does. The one who trusts me, who respects me and the people in my life, Someone who help me out of the darkness I have put myself into and guide me towards the light. And you have it all. You have all the things I dreamt of. I don’t know what brought me to you but you have something which let me think of you all the time. Anyone can notice the sparkle in my eyes when you are somewhere around. I still remember the first day I saw you and felt this unexpressed thing. This feeling brings me to another world, a world where I found no-one except you and me,and this thing which they call love. Love in its pure eternal form. No matter what I do, I cannot help but think of you all the time. I don’t know when those feelings took over me but now I am kind of attached to you. After a chain of events, I found myself getting attracted to you. I denied for long but one fine day I had to accept the fact that I liked you. I like you in a way that no word could ever define. I found myself looking for reasons to talk to you, excuses to be with you. Just a text from you is enough to brighten my day and it makes me forget all the miseries I am going through. They call it obsession, I call it love. There are days when I think of least possibilities of us being together. Some other depressing days when I think that this is all a daydream. I tried my best to get over you, but I failed. They told me that it will never work, that whatever I am doing is just a waste of time. But I want to try more and I will never give up trying as long as it lasts. :)