Hopeless!

My days aren’t very bright. This is not the way I expected my life to go, I expected better way of it. Everything is turning out to be a disaster. I am losing faith; hopes faded; thoughts lay scattered; Life is going off track; I woke up in an awful mood today. I lose my confidence. I struggle for happiness. It seems like everything is on a mission to make me realize that I am not capable of anything worthwhile. I can see people there doing wonders in their lives and what I do is standing here all alone and seeing them moving ahead. I wonder at times, Am I not meant for anything worthwhile?

All that I have today – the people, the identity, the kind of life, it is completely different from what I expected. I never intended to get into this mess but I couldn't help it. I am facing the worst phase of my life. All I can see is darkness everywhere, silence around me. I don’t want to get out of my room. And this darkness takes me to a new world free from all these miseries, all this tension; but I am too coward to go there.

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My attitude towards life has changed drastically. I have started to frown. I am afraid of losing things. I fear to do anything on my own. There are certain truths of life I am worried about. Truths, I try to ignore and stay in a comfortable superficial layer. I don’t want life to snatch the little I have today. I love to live in my own virtual world because it is the only place where things go as my way. I lost my identity somewhere in this rushing world. I am being psychic; I don’t even know what i want to do. I don’t have the courage to fight with all this. Once I tried to avoid this changing phase; I tried to refuse it as a bad dream but I failed. Life gave me reasons to smile but now there are none. I don’t want to face people as more people I meet, more question they ask and I don’t want to answer anyone. Some days I feel broken and when I look around me, I find no-one to console me; to support me in my days. People are busy in their own lives and why would they come to me when they have their own priorities. There are people whom I might have hurt but i never intended to do so. I regret for things I have done and lost something more precious than anything else and I know that now I can do nothing but just sit and think about those things. I wonder why I did the things I shouldn’t have done.

They say there comes a ray of hope in everyone’s life which let you towards light. I need that ray of hope in my life too. I decided to save myself from this trauma. Now I can’t take it anymore. I want to go ahead; I want to move like others. They say it’ll take time and one day I’ll get what i deserve. They say time has the power to change everything back to normal again. I wish the same. I hope that day to come soon. I want to relive my old life again. The best I could do now is to struggle through it and help myself to raise from here; to live my life again and to prove myself.

I am no pessimistic. This is a bad phase of life and I will get over it soon.

“The worst nightmare is to wake up in a world where life isn’t mine”